I like

how quiet the winter is. It's such a private season. Everyone is bundled up, windows are closed. Even the sky is quiet when it's cold. In the wee hours, you can almost convince yourself that you are the only person on the Earth. It's a nice feeling.

I'm Worried

That I like being alone too much.

Also, that I'm listening to "Skinny Love" too much, but guys, I really like it. I really do.

I Don't Know

Why things that seem so easy for other people are so hard for me. I don't know what makes me different, but I know that I am.

Today, I Love

Bon Iver. In particular, "Skinny Love" and their cover of "Lovin's for Fools." Because it sure is.

I've decided to post a picture of myself every day. I guess because I'm vain. But also to give myself perspective. I'm a real person.

Oh, You

I have a Post-It note on my desk that says, "Deliver and this will pass." The purpose of this note is to inspire me to do what I have to do, to have faith that eventually the fog will clear and I will feel joyful/creative/clarity/something other than despair or inertia.

I am having a hard time delivering lately, both personally and professionally. I'm tired and confused. I don't understand why the world works the way that it does and I want someone to explain it to me. I want to be happier inhabiting my own flesh. I want to have less flesh. I want to comfort myself without alcohol, food, sex. I want to be a real person.

And I just don't know how. I reckon at some point I did, but then there were all these motions and I was going through them. And here I am. I don't know what to do about any of it.

I want someone to tell me everything is going to be okay. I once actually Googled, "Am I going to be okay?" but no satisfactory results came up. I wish that I could have faith that I will slay my demons. That I will deliver, and this will pass. But I feel really lost lately and quite frankly, I think I am I liar. I don't believe a word I say.

Okay

Someone is reading my blog, or else I don't have a good grip on how much I look at my OWN super secret blog - and it's kind of freaking me out. Confess! Are you the same person who signed me up for Marie Claire? GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

Four Years Ago Today

We were married. I miss you so much. I miss you every single day. Before I go to bed at night I say, "I miss you. I love you." to the empty room I sleep in. I hope that you can feel me with you at those moments.

I profoundly regret that our marriage did not work. I know that I played a role in that, and I am deeply sorry for the mistakes I made, the words I flung, the times I hurt you. I was the best wife I could be, and at times I was pretty great. Others, not so much.

I hope that you have found some measure of peace in your new life. I feel as though I have, but I can't deny that I continue to mourn our marriage. We were not good for each other, particularly near the end, but it is always sad when something ends. Something that was supposed to be great, but wasn't.

I wish things could have been different. I am grateful that I got to love someone as much as I loved you. If I had to marry someone and watch that marriage erupt in flames - I am really, really glad it was you.