When I was a little girl, I had this dream I called the Heavy Dream. It came a lot, mostly in the middle of the night. I could hear it crawl in my room - a very crackly sound - and my heart would start to beat really, really fast. Then I would feel the heavy dream climb on top of me and it was this enormous invisible weigh that I (for some reason) associated with Disney films. Mostly Cinderella and Snow White. What I felt was extreme panic, but I guess I probably didn't have the word for that then. I was frantic and scared. And pinned. The Heavy Dream was exhausting and I dreaded it.
It wasn't until I started seeing a therapist that I realized the Heavy Dream was actually a panic attack and that I had been having them since..well, since I was a self-aware being. I still get them every once in a while. Sometimes at night, when the sound of my hair on my pillow makes me want to shave my goddamn head and burn down the entire building and maybe all the buildings. Sometimes, during the day at my desk, when music I love makes me feel disjointed and cracked out and things will never, ever be quiet again ever in the history of ever.
I am getting better at avoiding them. Good sleep, not too much caffeine, whole foods, taking those crazy pills on time. Even though I am a grown up and I know better, the Heavy Dream still scares me. I still dread it.
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